Archive for the ‘Random Me’ Category

A Not So Little Anniversary

Today is a special day.  It is my one year anniversary of not smoking.  On Sept 29, 2008 I woke up, went to make some tea and in my half awake state put a nicotine patch on.  I had not planned to quit.  But I really wanted to.  The time found me.

I had smoked pretty much non-stop since I was 16.  I started while in school in Germany and after a fight with my non-smoking boyfriend – I met up with his cousin Claude.  She smoked like a chimney and in retaliation I lit up one tiny cigarette and was literally hooked from the get go. 

Over the years and living mostly in Europe, I have seen how smoking has gone from something very much accepted to a habit that actively repulses most people.  In Germany, Hungary and Holland I smoked directly at my work desk and was put out when I had to go to a meeting in a non-smoking room.  In London my hourly (at a minimum) cigarette habit became my sanity checks.  They were my quite moments to get a way from work or even relax enough so I could continue my creative tirade with gusto. 

Even socially I used the excuse to go out and smoke as a crutch to centre myself and find smalltalk things to continue conversations going.  Plus, its true that smokers tend to gather around each other in public and so I often met real characters outside while the ‘rest of them’ were crammed together in a room.  But my favourite moments were when outside on a busy street where I could watch people pass and just enjoy being a silent observer.

The addictive force though was more than then the simple act of smoking – it was how it felt.  I know it sounds slightly insane (but aren’t all addictions to some extent), but I loved inhaling my cigarette, the way the blood rushed to my head and watching the smoke dissipate when I exhaled.  The whole act of smoking is sexy in my books.  And there are days even now when I have to let my mind go through the act of smoking a whole cigarette – the touch, taste, the emotional hooks – to keep myself from begging a random stranger for a cigarette.  This kind of vision-letting-experience is a necessary release and a key element I think for getting myself through the past 12 months. 

So here is today.  12 months on.  I did it.  And if I did – really anyone can.  But the decision to quit has to come from deep within and each person has to find their own successful crutches (mine were frozen grapes that I ate so much of that my digestive system rebelled a few times – too much information I know). 

I am pretty damn proud of myself today.



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My Day

_MG_0400Tomorrow is my day – my birthday that is. I will turn 38. I can’t quite get my head around it. I have this odd sensation of barrelling towards 40 with not a care in the world. At this point, who cares how old I am – I moving on up and there isn’t a darn thing I can do about it.

God and I had a bit of deadline, milestone, challenge regarding this birthday. I threw it down on my tiled floor in a moment of desperation and sadness. I had lost perspective – which M was largely to blame – and was just too tired to care what the outcome would be. Deep down I knew though it was wrong and more than a bit dramatic – but my soul wanted a showdown with fate. Funny how none of that seems to matter anymore?

Instead I wonder when toothbrushes became like sneakers with their brightly coloured flares and racing stripes. I wish for one that is just a simple pale blue or purple. No tongue scratcher to take pieces of my cheek off. Just some hard bristles to do the job that is supposed to.  In the last week I have bought 3 toothbrushes and realized I must be a bit of a snob on the whole subject. This is the serious pondering as I approach my birthday. Smile

Cake anyone?   I know what I am wishing for when blowing out the candles.

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