Archive for the ‘Faith’ Category

Just not feeling it

I get bored doing yoga

I got depressed when I tried mediating

I don’t think herbals have any true redeeming qualities

I get hungry when the word ‘detoxing’ is mentioned

I have never been on a diet (actually I have brownies in the oven)

I struggle with self-help books of any kind

I do wonder why anyone would do any of the above …


Recently I was travelling back from Kenya and I encountered two British women dressed like Ali Bamba with sparkly head gear, the type of balloon trousers I found fun in the seventh grade and so many brightly wound scarves.   With all their garb its no wonder they stood out, but for me it was the coal marked eyes that accentuated their tiredness and age. They were at least in their 60s and just way too old to be playing such dress up.  Only when I saw the man they were shadowing – some type of mystic sheik – that it all became clear.


And so I wonder about those who struggle through the above under the guise of healthiness or enlightenment.  The latter worries me as why can’t they just turn to God?  Why is such sacrifice required when really all that is needed is God’s grace?  And yet so many women (oddly only women) I know and respect swear by at least one of the above.  And while I am sure most will not end up like those two women following in slight madness a man 30 years younger with charisma, maybe I am missing something.


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Its Easter morning.  This year has been one of the most difficult in terms of faith and coming around to this holist of holidays – I am reminded that my faith lies on Jesus and all that his sacrifice means to me. 


This time last year I thought I had found a ‘spiritual home’ for the first time since I started to re-explore my faith in 2001.  Even better it was local and so each Sunday morning I would trapeze across my park to the church.  Often I would run into a neighbour or someone else and we would enter it together.  I felt like I belonged, and joined a Home Study group which was made up of a good mix of women and men my age.  We prayed, shared Sunday lunches and spent time together.  I felt really good.


But then it all fell apart.  For reasons I will never understand. Their lack of support and narrow-mindedness in terms of a single woman’s role in the Christian family just wasn’t compatible with mine and I felt that I had no choice but to move with my feet.  It left me feeling rejected and lonely.  With my relationship with M falling apart – I doubted I would ever find myself in a traditional Christian relationship.  I felt damned … literally.


So for months I did not pray and of course avoided setting a foot in church.  Then a need for a church to help me with something totally bureaucratic opened the door so ever slightly on my past church, which is a good ½ hour now away.  With baby steps I am re-exploring my faith and finding my feet again.  It does not feel just good – it feels more like a rebirth, an awaking, an awareness of my role within it. 


With all the disappointment of the last two years of back and forth with M however, I am gun-shy about feeling exciting about anything I think is ‘right.’  But this is not healthy as it makes me sad and prevents the feeling of joy due to me from deep with in.  So on this Easter I went to service to be thankful for all God does for me.  I even let a woman pray for me.  When she did, she looked deep within my eyes and said


“I see a teacup.  Its as if he has so much more to offer and all you have at the moment is a teacup”.


How befitting don’t you think?


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