Archive for April, 2009


Today I went under the 65 kilo mark for the first time in 6 months!

It had become the hurdle in me trying to re-capture my body.  No matter how many weights I lifted, time spent on the cross trainer or yummy food I did NOT eat (although I really wanted to), the lowest I got was 65.4 (and that was only a few times).  You see before I quit smoking in September, I sung between 55 and 58 kilos.   Within 3 months of quitting – I had hit a whopping 70 kilos. If I can get myself firmly in the 64 territory, then I will be half way where I should be at minimum.

But right now I am happy to go under 65. Granted its 0.1 kilo … but who is counting?


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Its Easter morning.  This year has been one of the most difficult in terms of faith and coming around to this holist of holidays – I am reminded that my faith lies on Jesus and all that his sacrifice means to me. 


This time last year I thought I had found a ‘spiritual home’ for the first time since I started to re-explore my faith in 2001.  Even better it was local and so each Sunday morning I would trapeze across my park to the church.  Often I would run into a neighbour or someone else and we would enter it together.  I felt like I belonged, and joined a Home Study group which was made up of a good mix of women and men my age.  We prayed, shared Sunday lunches and spent time together.  I felt really good.


But then it all fell apart.  For reasons I will never understand. Their lack of support and narrow-mindedness in terms of a single woman’s role in the Christian family just wasn’t compatible with mine and I felt that I had no choice but to move with my feet.  It left me feeling rejected and lonely.  With my relationship with M falling apart – I doubted I would ever find myself in a traditional Christian relationship.  I felt damned … literally.


So for months I did not pray and of course avoided setting a foot in church.  Then a need for a church to help me with something totally bureaucratic opened the door so ever slightly on my past church, which is a good ½ hour now away.  With baby steps I am re-exploring my faith and finding my feet again.  It does not feel just good – it feels more like a rebirth, an awaking, an awareness of my role within it. 


With all the disappointment of the last two years of back and forth with M however, I am gun-shy about feeling exciting about anything I think is ‘right.’  But this is not healthy as it makes me sad and prevents the feeling of joy due to me from deep with in.  So on this Easter I went to service to be thankful for all God does for me.  I even let a woman pray for me.  When she did, she looked deep within my eyes and said


“I see a teacup.  Its as if he has so much more to offer and all you have at the moment is a teacup”.


How befitting don’t you think?


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Time to break out my summer dresses which flow across my curves and make me feel all womanly.  Time to get my toes painted. Each year I tell myself it will be red … but it always ends up something muted as that fits me better.  Time to clean out my house, my heart, my mind to find the correct path to forge as the world rebirths. Time to flirt, smile and just be.


I love spring


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